I.

I don’t want to let you go...

I want you to stay, not just in my heart, but always and always there.

I know I could no longer rain my kisses on your face…

I could no longer hold your hands and be able to smile along with you…

But why does this realisation hit me so hard? So hard, that it so pains my soul?

- Yamamoto Takeshi

*
*
*

“Hibari-san, there’s a letter for you.”

Calmly poised, the man turned from the window to the owner of the voice.  His assistant since the high school days handed him the letter. Wordlessly, Hibari tore open the envelope and read the contents.

“When you read this – I know it sounds cheesy, but when you do, please don’t throw this away. I just wanted to tell you I’m coming back soon. I just can’t wait to see you so I did something only a stupid herbivore would do… Which was to send you this letter.

When I get back, you’ll be around right? At least let me see you before you leave for something again.

Yamamoto Takeshi”

If I tell you
Will you listen?
Will you stay?
Will you be here forever?
Never go away?

Hibari let the wind caress his face while his stomach fluttered in unsaid joy. Hibird stooped over to his shoulder not before pecking at the letter, as if knowing Yamamoto would be back as well.

Little did they know – as strong as Hibari was, the meeting was short lived and promises were never fulfilled.

*
*
*

Minamori felt colder all of sudden. The wind was still, trees stopped swaying and feelings were entrapped in that moment. The sound of a gun being fired was too loud in the dead silence.

At this moment, Yamamoto Takeshi clung onto his last hope.

Don’t let him die.

Yamamoto ran and ran, sometimes stumbling down the road, falling down to his knees but still standing up again to make his way. His eyes swirled with tears as the sound of flesh tearing made its way to his ears.

“KYOUYA!!!!!!!!”

The sound of a body thudding, the echoes of Yamamoto’s scream, felt like a mismatched melody of despair.

His eyelids fluttered open, long black lashes lightly tinted with snow. He stood strong amidst the countless corpses, soul and body battered beyond recognition. His suit was tattered and his hands that were wielding the tonfas were bathed in blood red. Hibari made no effort to wipe away the blood that seeped slowly from the corner of his lips.

On the day Yamamoto Takeshi came back, was the same day Hibari Kyouya fell.

Yamamoto didn’t reach to catch the falling body in time. He watched as Hibari swayed and collapsed - his tonfas falling away from his steel grip.

Yamamoto remembered stepping over several limp arms in order to reach the other. When he finally did, he wanted so much to imagine that this was all a lie.

That this was all just a mistake, just a bad nightmare.

But all he could do was to cradle Hibari’s broken body in his arms.

Never thought things would change
Hold me tight
Please don't say again
That you have to go

“Kyouya!” Yamamoto held the limp body close, his invisible tears soaking the already blood red land beneath them. His heart hurt so much, that it felt like it was being shattered to a million pieces. He tried to catch the scent of sandalwood to ease his mind but the stench of blood did nothing more than the reality stepping in closer.

Taking a slow deep breath, Hibari whispered, “Why are you crying?”

Yamamoto was close to breaking down at that point of time. Hibari’s question triggered his tears and sadness. He wanted to scream and say it was because he was dying on him, leaving him alone and the fact that they couldn’t be together anymore. There were a million reasons really, but all he could do was to say one last confession.

“I love you. I love you so much.”

A cold gust of wind came and gone, and Hibari shuddered. Why did death make someone vulnerable? He wanted the power to make everything right, to make everything fall into its place again.

Things being right, wasn’t obtaining money, gaining power or the satisfaction from killing.

Being right, being safe, always meant being in Yamamoto’s embrace, warm and unhurt; it always felt like a home that he never had.

Yamamoto kissed him, his warm lips touching the cold ones, smeared with blood. It was a slow and tiring kiss, one mixed with passion of sadness and love.

“Go find your way home,” Hibari touched Yamamoto’s face gently, a touch that faded so quickly. Yamamoto held onto his hand, eyes brimming with unfailing tears.

“Where to? Where to Kyouya?” His voice was soft, said in a whisper. His voice was broken.

“Somewhere without all these,” The tired grey eyes looked over to the pools of blood and dead bodies.

“But you are my home,” Yamamoto buried kissed Hibari’s dark locks and continued, “Without you, there’s no home. I could be anywhere with you.”

“Stay with me, Kyouya.”

Hibari never prayed, but at this moment, it didn’t seem wrong to do so. He prayed with all his might and wished for things like Yamamoto’s health, happiness and their meeting in future. It sounded so not him, but who will act like themselves when they die anyway?

“I might just go to hell for this,” For defying God’s orders all along and asking for help now.

Yamamoto kissed between his brows and whispered, “You won’t, love, you won’t. If you do, I’ll just follow along.”

Repressing the pain, Hibari fought away the blurring black dots that were taking away his vision.

He touched Yamamoto’s eyes that always watched over him, the lips that always gave him kisses that made him feel better, the nose, the cheeks… It has to all be in his memory, even after death, he wanted them to be imprinted in his mind.

If I can’t see you anymore, I’ll imagine you being by my side...

And if I can’t hear you anymore, I’ll still protect you…

“I won’t forget you Takeshi.”

“W-What?”

Long and pallid fingers intertwined with his own, Hibari gave Yamamoto a rare discreet small smile.

“In our afterlives... If we ever do meet, I won’t forget you.”

It was winter when Hibari Kyouya died in his arms; he won’t ever forget that it was one of his life’s harshest one.

The death that brings them all to eternal unhappiness.

A bitter thought
I had it all
But I just let it go
Oh, this silence
It's so violent
Since you’re gone

*
*
*

“We’ll just meet in our after life, won’t that do?”

“You believe in such stupid things? Herbivore.”

Brows furrowed and knitted together, Hibari could sense that Yamamoto wanted him to take his words seriously. But Hibari Kyouya being himself, why would he want to take such silly words to heart? He just merely listened.

He sighed, “Kyouya…” Yamamoto engulfed him into a hug easily. Hibari stood still… His heart flickered at the sudden sad voice. If he knew the war was going to come, he would have tried to enjoy the happy and bright Yamamoto during their younger days more. If only he knew… and didn’t take things for granted.

“If one of us really never made it… Let’s meet in our afterlives. Don’t forget me, will you?”

Hibari placed his hands on Yamamoto’s back and continued retaliating, “But I won’t die, I’m not so weak.”

“Just promise me, will you?”

Hibari fell into a quiet resignation and Yamamoto took that as a ‘yes’.

*
*
*

The night smells oddly of burned corpses and lost dreams.

Yamamoto vaguely remembers how he was hauled away from Hibari’s still body, carrying it and stumbling forward to the entrance. Hibari’s funeral, he can’t remember. People’s cries, he can’t remember. His own tears falling, he can’t remember.

All he could remember, and wanted to remember probably for the rest of his life was Hibari’s gestures, secret smiles, angered frowns and many other characteristics that made him what he was.

What he once was…

Where was the sweet and innocent air that they all once embraced?  He hated war. He hated it so much. It snatched away all his hopes and dreams; even the façade he was trying to put up, it faded away.

War is terrible. You see blood, you see death. You fight to no end everyday, thinking this is the only life you had. When war finishes, you feel like nothing is left anymore, because you fight and fight everyday, even sanity flies away.

Yamamoto felt like God was playing death right into his hands.

He once felt like dying. But he couldn’t. He knew Hibari would call him weak, dying over him and so he didn’t. He always respected Hibari’s wishes, he always did.

But it didn’t help when time ticked by so slowly, and he wanted to welcome death.

When Tsuna died, he was deeply depressed, nowhere near Gokudera - but still depressed. His heart hurt, knowing that his friend and leader will no longer be around anymore.

But this was Hibari. Hibari, whose existence was like his shadow. Hibari, who was like his other half. Hibari, who took away his heart along with the death.

Hibari, who was the only man he loved like never before.

His Hibari, irreplaceable.

The sweetest thought
I had it all
Cause I did let you go
All our moments
Keep me warm
When you're gone

*
*
*

Yamamoto always wondered what they would be in their afterlife. He chuckled as he picked up the photo frame, entrapping the rare moment of them together. It was a Polaroid shot by Tsuna who randomly wanted to try out his new camera. Of course, Tsuna did get a good whacking from Hibari after the candid shot but Yamamoto secretly asked for the copy of the photo.

He felt his fingers pricked by the long gone sensation.

Staring at the photograph, it almost felt like yesterday when Yamamoto had the privilege to run his fingers through the dark locks and kiss him senseless.

He remembered how he often caressed his wrist while watching Hibari sleep. Hibari’s heart, beating and alive, for him.

He hoped when they meet again, it will be like the usual for them. He wanted nothing to change.

He would still be the ace of the baseball team, and Hibari will be patrolling around the school as a prefect. Then they meet under the weird circumstances and Hibari would be annoyed to death, threatening him with the usual ‘bite you to death’ phrase.

No war, no death, so separation.

When will that day come?

Til death let us meet again…

All my thoughts are with you forever
Until the day we'll be back together
I will be waiting for you

*
*
*

II.

He was there, unfading and unwavering, loyal all along.

When the rain fell, he promised he would be sunshine behind the dark clouds.

Probably we were mismatched since forever, or fated all our lives.

But he was just there, then and again,

And we found ourselves again through the crowd of millions.

- Hibari Kyouya

The sense of recognition wouldn’t fade away. They withstood their love against time. They stood strong even when patience was wearing thin. But why does the God keep playing with their broken fate?

“I know you from somewhere,” Yamamoto sent a blinding grin.

“Your pick up line failed,” He swatted Yamamoto away and walked towards the opposite direction. Why was this random guy appearing out of nowhere anyway? He was just walking around the school field when he bumped into one of the school’s baseball player and this had to happen.

The smile made his heart skipped a beat.

“Wait!” A hand flew out and grabbed his unexpectedly.

The fervent touch…

“What do you want?” He snapped, obviously uncomfortable with the presence of the man. Yamamoto leaned closer and warm brown meets steely grey.

The gaze that lingers…

Yamamoto bent down to match their heights. Why was the scent of sandalwood so enticing?

“I know you. I know it. But I don’t know when and where.”

The voice that resonates, why is it such a bittersweet echo?

Hibari’s heart wavered.

When my sadness is thin like a withered flower
Unable to fall asleep because of these tangled years
I cling to the rough sigh
That would gnaw deeply into my heart

“What’s your name?”

Hibari’s mind reeled, contemplated for a second before making sure this wasn’t a trap or a joke. He hesitated but answered anyway.

“Hibari Kyouya.”

“Hibari… Kyouya,” Yamamoto repeated to himself, the name so familiar - like he brought it on his tongue all his life.

Hibari felt his own heart being clutched by a strong iron grip as he watched the other man reacting to his own name. His warm brown eyes were suddenly sad, like a toll of bad memories tampering around in his mind. Hibari looked away sharply, as a series of images came through his mind in a quick flash, burning and searing his mind and vision.

*
*
*

On the night when Yamamoto Takeshi found out about the death of his father, he stayed longer in the quarters of Hibari.

He talked as usual and Hibari listened. He couldn’t help but notice that Yamamoto talked more unnecessary things than usual.

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“I won’t say that you are weak if you cried,” Yamamoto stared into his eyes, the moment still and slow. Hibari sat in front of his paper works, his posture lax and welcoming in a way that only he could understand.

And with that, Yamamoto took Hibari by his waist and hugged him before breaking down into tears.

Hibari hugged him in return, offering comfort that only he could give. Hibari felt his heart understanding Yamamoto more and more, his heart opening up only for the person who understood him back.

But watching him holding onto the sadness, made the corners of his heart hurt too. Yamamoto, who was usually strong and bright, falling into ruins.

It was tormenting and tiring, how the tears fell from his eyes, silent and painful.

If I collected tears of a thousand years
Would it be enough to show my heart
At the end of the sky where the sunset glow has left
Today, I linger on again

*
*
*

“So, what did you want to say?” Hibari drank his coffee in a breath. He wasn’t the type to waste his precious time, especially not on people like Yamamoto Takeshi, who he barely knew and had no advantage to be with.

That was what his practical mind told him.

But every time Yamamoto Takeshi glanced over and sent that warm gaze, it clouded his practical mind. It was odd, why should he feel that way?

And the flashback that he got after the first meeting, what was that? Hibari didn’t understand what was happening. His life was always planned, built and not meant to be a maze.

Yamamoto himself, was such a confusing entity all together.

“I know this… will sound really weird,” Yamamoto gave a careless smile and a quick glance, “But I’m interested in you.”

He was so honest about it that Hibari felt himself taken aback.

“So?” He was blunt when he stared into those brown eyes; like melted chocolate. So fuzzy, warm and addictive.

“I was thinking we could try going out.”

“Going out?” Hibari didn’t like beating around the bush. He shot back hotly.

“Yeah, getting to know each other,” Subconsciously or an actual purpose, Yamamoto grabbed Hibari’s hand that was on the coffee cup. It felt so right, like they belonged together all along. Yamamoto knew he couldn’t ignore the instant instinct of how well they suited each other when he first met Hibari. They were meant to be. He had wanted to believe that.  

Hibari withdrew his hand from the touch, like fire that burned his skin.

“No.”

“Why not?” Yamamoto’s lips drew in a thin line.

“You have such audacity to tell me this? That you like me when we only met once?” Hibari tapped his fingers on the table, his stomach churning from anger.

“Maybe it wasn’t our first.”

“You don’t like someone that you barely know,” Hibari’s eyes had a dangerous glint in it and Yamamoto’s patience was wearing thin. He stood up abruptly and stared into those unfading grey eyes. He could feel fists clenching at his sides.

Hibari too, stared back and pondered, disturbed. How dare he stare at me with those accusing and lonely eyes?

“I’ve never believe so as well, but you,” He stopped, catching his breath, “But you, when I first saw you, I thought it was all a mistake as well. But I went back home, and all I got was the thoughts of us together.”

“I saw us being together, I saw you dying!”

Yamamoto bit down on his lips, gritted his teeth and closed his eyes in tiredness after the confession of his dreams.

“Don’t run from me, Kyouya,” Yamamoto’s strangled voice hurt his heart. It ached, like someone stabbed it. Hibari rubbed his face in aggravation before staring at the taller man.

“Don’t call me Kyouya,” It was wrong for his name to roll away naturally from his lips.

Gently, Yamamoto met his eyes and touched his cheek.

“You are crying.”

If I collected wishes of a thousand years
Would it be enough to show my heart
At the end of the field where the sunshine has left
Today, I linger on again

Because I don’t why it hurts. I’m not supposed to love you, but I want to.

“Idiot,” A shake of his head, stubborn and defiant.

“All of this is wrong. Stop playing around,” Hibari turned around, away from Yamamoto, away from facing reality. He couldn’t let his heart win; he has to remain practical now, doesn’t he?

Walk away, don’t turn around. This is what’s right.

Defeated, he slumped back onto the chair. He almost gave himself away to frustration. Yamamoto sat there, heart yelling out for every inch of Hibari. This wasn’t even close to a game… Was he the only one who felt like this? Was the sense of recognition he saw in those grey eyes an illusion?

Wrong? But why does everything fall into place when I’m with you?

*
*
*

It was suffocating. The feeling of his chest hurting from too much pain or too much love, he didn’t know which.

Yamamoto was always staring at the clouds on the top of the school. The clouds that drifted along in the clear blue sky amused him for some reason. When it rains, he stays and listens to the raindrops pitter pattering on the linoleum floors. He always found solace and comfort here. The place that held his paradise, to listen to his heart whispers, to heal his pains.

And it was a surprise when he found Hibari there.

The footsteps, he recognised them – always precise and in rhythm. Hibari sat down right next to Yamamoto his stoic expression on hold.

Yamamoto didn’t know whether he should start speaking when their last meeting went so horrible.

But he did anyways. He wanted to. Watching those grey eyes flicker to the rain and those messy dark locks encasing his stubborn features, Yamamoto felt himself giving away.

He was falling in love, with Hibari Kyouya.

As the lone wandering low wind
Loses its way, breathing heavily,
I ease my sorrow in this world
With the raindrops of noon

It wasn’t a shocking realisation really – probably he always knew. He pondered at the moment, in between the stare directed to the other and the haze of the falling rain, why it was so easy to fall in love with someone he barely knew. Then again, Yamamoto always trusted his heart.

Mustering his courage, he breathed out loudly, knowing it was now or never.

“Hey,” Yamamoto chuckled weakly, “I’m gong to say something absurd again.”

There was no reply from Hibari and he took it as a sign to continue.

“I think I might have fallen in love with you.”

There were more sounds of the rain falling and Hibari finally spoke. His head suddenly hung low, his mind swirling with memories.

“I think you might have been right.”

Yamamoto didn’t know how to react to the sudden turn of conversation.

“… Hmm?”

“I dreamt,” To his surprise, his voice shuddered from those vivid dreams.

“What was it?” Yamamoto enquired in a gentle voice, careful not to probe too deep.

“You made me promise in afterlife. And I died.”

Hibari had his head in between his knees, trying to cover up his troubled expression of shame, embarrassment, confusion or perhaps a mix of three.

You loved me, I loved you, and we promised to meet in afterlife. I died in a cold bloody war and I wish never died on you. We were right for each other all along.

If I collected love of a thousand years
Would it be enough to show my heart
At the end of the sky where the moonlight is sleeping
Today, I linger on again

Those were the words he wanted to say but it probably sounded to cliché if they were to fall from his lips, so he kept them quiet and diluted the words.

“Did we love each other in your dreams?” Yamamoto’s voice was soft and quiet, resembling tinkling bells.

Rainfall, pitter patter and silence.

“Yes,” Yamamoto smiled when Hibari’s voice was raw with emotions.

Running his fingers through his black inky hair, he asked again, this time braver.

“Do you think we could try being the same now?”

More rainfall, more pitter patter and more silence.

“… Yes.”

Seeing how Hibari was struggling with more words, Yamamoto’s heart leapt. He slowly crossed his hand to Hibari’s that was inches away from him and clasped them tightly.

“We’ll do it step by step alright?”

This was a beginning.

“Okay.”

Hibari grasped in return on those long fingers – the sensation of their hands touching, so warm and sweet. Like sunshine after the rain.

This was a new step.

They were together again, united and as a whole.

If I collected longings of a thousand years
Would it be enough to show my heart
At the end of the field where the rising sun is shining
Today, I linger on again

*
*
*

Epilogue

“We’re crossing a dangerous line here,” Hibari reminded him, not understanding why everything felt so natural, “I thought we said step by step.”

Yamamoto grinned, “This IS step by step. We’re just experimenting.”

“Good excuse.”

Cautiously, Hibari slipped his fingers and buried them in that black spiky hair. They were soft and gently in return, Yamamoto lowered his lips to match the height difference.

“I’m going to kiss you,” He murmured, arms around the shorter man’s waist.

“Idiot, I know. Just kiss me already,” Annoyed, Hibari tugged the short spiky hair.

One second there was laughter, and when Hibari was about to open his mouth for angry words; in another moment, their lips met.

When out of breath, they broke the kiss, in sync and rhythm, like they did this for the hundredth time.

Yamamoto buried his face in the corner and Hibari’s neck and inhaled the enticing scent of sandalwood.

“It feels like I’ve waited a thousand years just for this.”

Inhaling and exhaling, Hibari opened his eyes again.

Like a dream, like a moment of happiness, like a fleeting box of hopes…

“Maybe it really was, a thousand years, maybe.”

After minutes of enjoying the silence and warmth, Hibari exclaimed in annoyance.

“God, I’m out my mind,” Hibari released himself from the hold, but their hands still intertwined.

“Isn’t love supposed to make you feel that way?”

Sighing, Yamamoto rested his lips on Hibari’s ear and whispered.

“I love you.”

Leaning up and craving for more, Hibari turned to Yamamoto’s side and brought their lips together again. He smiled against them.

“Yeah, me too.”